What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
