I skipped work to stalk him.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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