There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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