Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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