She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
