i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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