some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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