My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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