Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
