Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
