There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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