Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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