broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
