I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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