Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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