I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
