I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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