So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
