i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
