Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
