My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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