The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
We need a shit load of segways right now
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
