At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
