He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Naked. naked and bneed help.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
