Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
