Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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