No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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