Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
