Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
