Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
