The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
