Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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