Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
