Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
