I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
