I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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