im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
smell my finger.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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