He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
