I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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