Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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