I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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