So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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