Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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