We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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