Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
