maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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