when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
