Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
