If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
