Your face is a jimmy john
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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